Aaargh. Why have I just dreamt about sellotaping craft knives to the underside of various surfaces? At the moment my dreams are far more interesting than my life..this week mostly nightmares around dropped bombs and devastated cities.
I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and it was pretty much standard : Me making no eye contact whatsoever and kind of stroking my hands together while trying to get him to understand that my nightmares were dominating my life and soaking into my days.
Although i can't look at him I am aware of when I say something significant enough for him to scribble something down.He is very gentle with me when i try to explain that I don't see the world as he does,that the past can change, that I re-read books and they have different endings, re-read things i have written and they say something different.
He asks me if i don't think this is a process of my disease and suggests we increase my medication.Lets face it..he is not a dream analyst he is a drug dealer. Well i have been aware all my life that the thing that used to make me dance and still makes me paint,sculpt,draw and write could be diagnosed as crazy in the hands of a psychiatrist!
More role play on Sunday. This time I was playing nagging parent.My son has this amazing pose when he is wanting to escape from a situation ..arms behind chair as if handcuffed and straining forward. He intersperses this with flapping his arms as if batting away an annoying insect (me) and hisses! So I went silent.And he went silent.Usually i can't resist saying something else. But I didn't. Huuuge silence .Then he packed up his lap top and stuff to go to his flat...Huuuge silence.Then he spoke.And he was quite right!
Ok, so here is the thing.I have loved the Art of Conversation meetings.. they have made me start to observe things around me and within me and have made me want to write and create some theatre.But i don't think the time-scale is right for me in terms of being prepared to perform with only two more sessions to go.I need more time working with the process before i would have the confidence to perform...Maybe i could pre-record something as a contribution.
I love the idea of performers and audience being in a circle with centre lit.. though spatial arrangement will have to be part of the creating to make sure everything can be seen...probably need circle of chairs within the circle...kind of all round hot seat...musical chairs...
See you Thursday
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