On Thursday we were asked (Don't quote me on the exact wording - I have a fish brain) whether we have ever failed ourselves as women, or failed woman kind.
I pondered.
I had stories of women that had failed me, but none of my own (Or that I was willing to dig around in my fish brain for)
So I went home, and pondered some more.
Just before midnight, I received a text message 'are you asleep or can you ring me' off my best friend.
I called her.
She told me she was pregnant.
She told me she was around nine month pregnant.
I waited 25 minutes for a taxi.
We drank coffee and discussed the situation. There was denial, humour, anger, laughter, happiness, sadness and frustration.
People had asked me if she was pregnant, and I'd said
'No, if she was, she would have told me. I think she's just put on weight like i have'
The next day we heard the baby's heartbeat at the hospital.
It all became very real.
How had my best friend carried a baby for nine months without me noticing.
I asked her 'If I'd asked you if you were pregnant months ago, would you have admitted it'
'Yes' she replied.
And that was the moment my heart sank and I realised I'd failed as a woman, and I'd failed my best friend.
I'd seen her at least twice a week as of November. How had I not noticed? Why hadn't I just asked her, instead of making up excuses for her about eating too many chips?
Looking at her there in the hospital bed, her beautiful pregnant tummy was obvious.
She'd suffered in silence, not knowing what to do, or who to turn to since she'd realised in January.. Waiting for me to just ask her, so she could admit it to me and to herself.
I'm waiting for a phone call to go to the hospital and be her birthing partner (Without antenatal classes)
She's having a boy.
this nearly made me cry - beautifully written.
ReplyDeletemade me think about how we define the difference (if there is one) between failing women / woman-kind and just making a mistake in life.
is it about how we put it right? what we do after the event?
Really beautifully written, and also made me very sad.
ReplyDeleteIt brought back memories of a time I let down someone who I love deeply and who has been such a rock to me for many years. She had lost someone very close to her, who was also a friend of mine and because of my own personal pain and inadequacy I couldn't give her the support that she needed.
The question you ask about is it failing a woman or just making a mistake is such a poignant one, and something that is so difficult to answer. I think I failed her on all counts and I allowed the gap between us to grow because of the guilt I felt. I have since tried to make up for it, and bless her for her incredible grace, and for the fact she never once held me to account. One hell of a woman and stronger than anyone I know.
Michelle x